Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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