I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
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Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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