Walk of Shame. In a state park.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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