why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
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do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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