Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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