The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just threw up on my dentist
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
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you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
you never un-have a 4some
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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