so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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