i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
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I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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