I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize