Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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