My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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