I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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