I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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