apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
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If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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