WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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