don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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