My Higher Power is John Stamos
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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