and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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