haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize