mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
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She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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