omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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