Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize