I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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