Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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