Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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