Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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