great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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