I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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