so let's talk penis.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
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There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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