a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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