And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
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in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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