I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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