I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
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asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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