Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
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Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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