oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
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They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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