I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize