Yo dont text me then not text me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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