Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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