Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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