We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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