my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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