im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
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She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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