I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize