The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
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Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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