i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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