Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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