Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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