saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
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I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My bed smells like the plague
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