that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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