she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
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make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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